This is a season of life in which I am exploring my desires with God.
Is it OK to have desires?
Is it OK to proclaim what I want?
Do I even know what my desires are?
When I start to explore the idea of me, my desires, and God, I am reluctant. I hesitate. I am uncomfortable. I am surprised. I thought it would be easier to identify what my desires are in this season of life.
Of course, I know God knows my desires, but I am somewhat detached from them at this time. Somewhere inside of me I think my desires are either not good or I am not worthy to have them. I think I need to control such thoughts, such ideas. I think I should not have desires or rather not admit that I feel unworthy. I think that all my desires should be complete and fulfilled because I believe in Jesus.
When I say it out loud or write it down it seems so crazy.
Has my faith created a fear in me to explore my desires?
Have I abandoned my desires or just covered them up?
God declared for me and everyone that He will give me the desires of my heart!
Take a look at Psalm 37:4, Psalm 20:4 and Proverbs 3:5.
So why do I hesitate?
Many of my desires are impossible to fulfill. When I look back, I wanted a good homelife growing up that was safe and nurturing. I wanted grandparents. I wanted a mentor. I wanted to not be cross-eyed. I think my thinking about the past and the idea of my “desires” confuses me. Current desires for past events are impossible.
So, I look towards the future. If you know me, I live in the future. But my future hopes and dreams seems to disappoint when experienced in the now. The future is always so big, so hopeful, so promising. The experience of that future today, not so much.
There I am, dissatisfied.
But what about the present? What about those current desires that are so difficult to identify. I am thinking I have allowed myself to be fooled. I believe that God is in the present with me. I cannot be in the past of in the future. He is inviting me to share my current desires, to identify them with Him, to allow Him to touch them, grow them, to release them.
I want more of God and I think my desires are connected to an open dialog with God about them. Here I am Lord. I am in my final season. I want more of you and perhaps the best way for more of God is to converse with Him about my desires. I want to dream bigger as in other worldly. Lord, I think you are inviting me into such a life. Thanks for the invitation Lord.
Me, God and my desires will be a good journey. I will release the past, hold the future lightly and be with God today. Remembering that I am His beloved and He wants my best. I will be courageous. God is for me, knows my desires and will help me to discover them with Him.
My thanks to Curt and Debbie Swindoll and Grafted Life Ministries. It is through their work that I have stepped into this journey: “A Call to Desire and Discern.” Here is the website for more information: